Today I had a follow up with one of my sheep. Everything went well until the end and as usual we'd have evaluation. I'm really starting to dread it to a certain extent. While I knew it was essential to go through what happened and to learn from my mistakes, it was never one I liked. Especially today's.
I learned a lot about how I should allow the person to speak more and to teach less. More importantly, I should seek to fulfill the needs of the sheep rather than focus on my own agenda. In the end, we want the sheep to benefit, and to be blessed. Not to be burdened or weighed down through judgement or condemnation.
Indeed, I find myself quick to condemn many times. Though I condemn only the sin itself and not the sinner. However, it often comes across to others that I am harsh and unforgiving. It's really sad, cos I do not exclude myself from my judgement but I said it only as a matter of fact. That if we disobey God, we'd be in trouble. And that if we seek to satisfy ourselves, we'd only be waste. Would anything that we do for ourselves count in God's eyes?
But I realised also one more thing, it is that different people have different levels of understanding. Just as Paul said to the Corinthians, you are but children, so I gave you spiritual milk but not solid food. The truth may be kept in my heart but if I told it to people who do not understand, it would be useless. In fact, it would be trampled and would only end up hurting me. Thanks to Ying jie for pointing it out to me today. That was really the support I needed for a very long time, something I hope to be able to emulate as well.
So I learnt many important lessons today about my style and I thank Brenda for being frank with me to want to risk the relationship by telling me these things that would serve to make me a better person. Sadly, today's evaluation also made me very discouraged. Was there nothing that I did was of value? Was there nothing that I did right? Evaluation became just criticism, though constructive, still criticism. After evaluation, I just felt so lousy about myself, so useless.
I know as Christians, I should not look to be appreciated, or to be understood for the matter. I don't. But it would be such a blessing to me if someone did. And God sent YingJie! Thank God for God. If not I would really be feeling extremely terrible tonight.
I'm going to persevere on. No matter how difficult it gets, I'll push on, bend myself backwards if I have to but not compromising on my values. Oh no... you gotta kill me to make me do that. But I certainly want to do it God's way and not my way. I'll need to add in love as well to the things that I do.
Pray for me.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
A miracle
I really dont care who read this blog so I'm gonna use this opportunity to speak my mind as it is. Raw. Without censorship. A part of me I'm reluctant to let others see and probably will never share with anyone either.
Has anyone ever asked you, "have you seen a miracle before?" Well I dont know about you but when someone asked me that question in the past, I answered that the fact that I am living here today and being loved by God is a miracle in and of itself. I didn't understood how God could have loved someone as pathetic as me.
Today, I can confidently say that I have seen miracles. Yes, I am living in a miracle right now. That is because I have no way to explain why I haven't gone mad yet with all the work that school has thrown at me. It's ridiculous! To go day in and day out every single damned day with people throwing issues for me to handle. How does one handle such bull****? If it aint one thing it is another.
One thing I hate most is team mates who are unmotivated, lazy and stupid. Actually I'm alright with stupid people, they can be quite cute sometimes and I really adore their innocence but not when they think they are wise and not when it is coupled with laziness. God save those idiots from themselves! I must say though that when such fools change for the better, it really gives you hope and happiness when one of them decides to do something for a change or take initiatives. Then afterwards they'll fall back to the same pattern of being lazy again and it makes you feel like slapping them(to wake up their idea of course).
It seems that God is trying to teach me something by placing me in charge of teams with people like these, pushing my patience. Thank God I've enough practice in the past to know better to throw my temper though I guess I am still a bit reluctant to talk to them much about their lack of effort. Honestly, I think I still have lots to grow in terms of loving people like these who put me through hell without intention to do so.
But enough of such talk! I am determined to break out of this and grow despite the odds and the bitterness that I had harboured against them. I think that in order for one to be forgiven and given a new lease of life in Christ, the first thing one must do is to learn to forgive others as well. The fruits of forgiveness is bittersweet but still worth it as God provides the motivation to do so. Those who forgive are forgiven and will be set free. But it can be very hard when none of your members like that loafer and are encouraging you to do the same. I can't defend the loafer either cos there is nothing to defend in the first place. God help me overcome my weakness of blaming others and speaking behind people's back. I want to be a person who is what people see I am. I want to be an honest person, not afraid of authority but fearful of the Lord. Not one to harbour ill feelings but one to confront such feelings and to seek the righteousness of God in Love.
Help me O Lord, Help me in my studies that I may not be overwhelmed as you have been doing for so long. Amen.
Has anyone ever asked you, "have you seen a miracle before?" Well I dont know about you but when someone asked me that question in the past, I answered that the fact that I am living here today and being loved by God is a miracle in and of itself. I didn't understood how God could have loved someone as pathetic as me.
Today, I can confidently say that I have seen miracles. Yes, I am living in a miracle right now. That is because I have no way to explain why I haven't gone mad yet with all the work that school has thrown at me. It's ridiculous! To go day in and day out every single damned day with people throwing issues for me to handle. How does one handle such bull****? If it aint one thing it is another.
One thing I hate most is team mates who are unmotivated, lazy and stupid. Actually I'm alright with stupid people, they can be quite cute sometimes and I really adore their innocence but not when they think they are wise and not when it is coupled with laziness. God save those idiots from themselves! I must say though that when such fools change for the better, it really gives you hope and happiness when one of them decides to do something for a change or take initiatives. Then afterwards they'll fall back to the same pattern of being lazy again and it makes you feel like slapping them(to wake up their idea of course).
It seems that God is trying to teach me something by placing me in charge of teams with people like these, pushing my patience. Thank God I've enough practice in the past to know better to throw my temper though I guess I am still a bit reluctant to talk to them much about their lack of effort. Honestly, I think I still have lots to grow in terms of loving people like these who put me through hell without intention to do so.
But enough of such talk! I am determined to break out of this and grow despite the odds and the bitterness that I had harboured against them. I think that in order for one to be forgiven and given a new lease of life in Christ, the first thing one must do is to learn to forgive others as well. The fruits of forgiveness is bittersweet but still worth it as God provides the motivation to do so. Those who forgive are forgiven and will be set free. But it can be very hard when none of your members like that loafer and are encouraging you to do the same. I can't defend the loafer either cos there is nothing to defend in the first place. God help me overcome my weakness of blaming others and speaking behind people's back. I want to be a person who is what people see I am. I want to be an honest person, not afraid of authority but fearful of the Lord. Not one to harbour ill feelings but one to confront such feelings and to seek the righteousness of God in Love.
Help me O Lord, Help me in my studies that I may not be overwhelmed as you have been doing for so long. Amen.
Monday, October 19, 2009
A solution given and some thoughts I don't want to forget
After reading through some news on the new paper, I've begun to appreciate life more. Life does not revolves around me as I use to think but life is an expression of thanksgiving for the grace that God gave. When I looked at my own shortcomings and focus on them, I became mired in these shortcomings and failed to see the good things that God has given me.
Surely not everything is supposed to turn out fine and well. Even when I pray to God to make everything good and perfect, I'm sure not everything will turn out the way I wanted it to. That is because, I realized that through hardships and suffering, God's power is shown and only when we decide to rely on God can we see his work in our lives.
A new revelations was given to me today as I start my fast from leisure and anything that would distract me from my walk with God.(inspired by JingYing) I've decided today that I will not allow anything to take away my time with God again or to do what is right. Yes indeed, in the Old testament, the Kings who wanted to follow God had to make the tough decisions of upsetting the public through destroying the Asherah poles and idols of Baal. These foreign Gods while no longer a threat to us, we have indulged in similar idol worship through our interest in drama shows, computer games, online pornography, work and studies and many others that has lulled us into a new sense of complacency in honoring our God through worship. I believe that God wants us to cut down these poles that vie with him for attention and occupies up our time that was supposed to be consecrated for him. How is another question altogether as these are not easy and has taken root in our lives. However, with their removal, we'd be liberated and God's work can be so much more effective and powerful without their influence.
I read today about Arsene Wenger refusing to leave Arsenal for Real Madrid even though Real Madrid was his childhood club. His commitment to the young players prevented him from doing so as he also cited that in Arsenal, people were patient with him. Giving him the much needed support to build a team from young players who play attractive football. Basically, people trusted him, gave him support when he was trying something that no one had tried before and stood around him when results were not coming in. Instead of threatening to sack him as all the other clubs have done when poor results happened, they continued their support and he eventually delivered the goods. So when they won, the sweet taste of victory was savored by everyone in the club.
Now the reason why I raised this up was because I felt that my CG is like my club. With Jingting as the manager who makes the decisions in how to lead the team. Of course our board of directors is God himself who decides what we are supposed to do. What we as part of the club needs to grow in giving support to the manager even when mistakes are made rather than be the first to weld the axe in wanting the manager's head to roll. This way, support will be appreciated if the advice we give is constructive and when we show our support through encouragement instead of mocking or challenging the decision made. That should allow us to savor the victory and brave the storms together as a team and I think that is what my team needs right now. What I need right now as well. I pray that God will make us into such a team that supports each other and never one to put another person down even if the person is wrong.
When you care about others, your own problems will be taken cared of my God
-Rick Seaward
Surely not everything is supposed to turn out fine and well. Even when I pray to God to make everything good and perfect, I'm sure not everything will turn out the way I wanted it to. That is because, I realized that through hardships and suffering, God's power is shown and only when we decide to rely on God can we see his work in our lives.
A new revelations was given to me today as I start my fast from leisure and anything that would distract me from my walk with God.(inspired by JingYing) I've decided today that I will not allow anything to take away my time with God again or to do what is right. Yes indeed, in the Old testament, the Kings who wanted to follow God had to make the tough decisions of upsetting the public through destroying the Asherah poles and idols of Baal. These foreign Gods while no longer a threat to us, we have indulged in similar idol worship through our interest in drama shows, computer games, online pornography, work and studies and many others that has lulled us into a new sense of complacency in honoring our God through worship. I believe that God wants us to cut down these poles that vie with him for attention and occupies up our time that was supposed to be consecrated for him. How is another question altogether as these are not easy and has taken root in our lives. However, with their removal, we'd be liberated and God's work can be so much more effective and powerful without their influence.
I read today about Arsene Wenger refusing to leave Arsenal for Real Madrid even though Real Madrid was his childhood club. His commitment to the young players prevented him from doing so as he also cited that in Arsenal, people were patient with him. Giving him the much needed support to build a team from young players who play attractive football. Basically, people trusted him, gave him support when he was trying something that no one had tried before and stood around him when results were not coming in. Instead of threatening to sack him as all the other clubs have done when poor results happened, they continued their support and he eventually delivered the goods. So when they won, the sweet taste of victory was savored by everyone in the club.
Now the reason why I raised this up was because I felt that my CG is like my club. With Jingting as the manager who makes the decisions in how to lead the team. Of course our board of directors is God himself who decides what we are supposed to do. What we as part of the club needs to grow in giving support to the manager even when mistakes are made rather than be the first to weld the axe in wanting the manager's head to roll. This way, support will be appreciated if the advice we give is constructive and when we show our support through encouragement instead of mocking or challenging the decision made. That should allow us to savor the victory and brave the storms together as a team and I think that is what my team needs right now. What I need right now as well. I pray that God will make us into such a team that supports each other and never one to put another person down even if the person is wrong.
When you care about others, your own problems will be taken cared of my God
-Rick Seaward
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A time to start Anew
I realized something about in my life. Many things that I am unhappy about and unset about myself that I have not noticed before. It always seemed like no one would ever approach me to tell me his or her troubles. Does my appearance scares them or do I portray a sense of I'm holier than thou and thou shalt not approach me cos I do not care? I hate to think of myself like that because I do care but so often I feel that I can't portray that well enough for others to feel that I care.
Recently, I went to the water baptism for one of the brothers in my CG and during the entire event I was feeling pretty down. It has been quite awhile and I've been keeping this in my heart for very long but somehow I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. How many times have I changed church I have lost count but I never felt a sense belonging any place, wherever I go.
Reflecting back, the reason I stayed in this church came down to 2 reasons, 1. I wanted to grow in the Lord and Hope church was the perfect place where my faith was constantly challenged and I face so many difficulties in trying to adapt I don't know how I was able to stay on. The second reason was that God himself told me to stay here. Well if the boss says this is the place, I guess I'll have to make do.
Perhaps what I am listing out right now is the biggest stronghold of my life as well as the biggest challenge to date that has been with me ever since I left my first church. A life of nomads has followed me ever after. Many nights, I prayed to God to take me away from all these, I cried out for a friend to understand me but God always replied that I should first understand others.
Why do I choose such a lifestyle? What is it that allow me to continue to continue to serve despite all the sadness and disappointments that has filled my life ever since I came here?
The sacrifices I've seen Qianru made for me is one of them I suppose. Whenever I feel terrible, I'm reminded of how much sadness I have caused her and how she has forgiven me despite it all and it motivates me to learn from her. God who has been supporting me all these years have never given up on me either, even though I hurt him even more than anyone else even when I love him so much. Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up hurting the ones I love the most?
I really hate myself. It feels that I've really reached the end of the road. What good am I do anyone? I can't see any hope in my life anymore...
I've decided to call on a retreat for myself for a week. I know that somehow, all these thoughts are incorrect and it may be overly emotional for myself these few weeks. I want to find myself in God again, go back to the Father who clothes and feeds his servants. I will fast from all sort of entertainment that used to fill my life and live simply. Perhaps, God will hear my cry and change my heart and attitudes to one which he delights in. I pray that I may become a Qimin that I can accept for myself as well.
Recently, I went to the water baptism for one of the brothers in my CG and during the entire event I was feeling pretty down. It has been quite awhile and I've been keeping this in my heart for very long but somehow I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. How many times have I changed church I have lost count but I never felt a sense belonging any place, wherever I go.
Reflecting back, the reason I stayed in this church came down to 2 reasons, 1. I wanted to grow in the Lord and Hope church was the perfect place where my faith was constantly challenged and I face so many difficulties in trying to adapt I don't know how I was able to stay on. The second reason was that God himself told me to stay here. Well if the boss says this is the place, I guess I'll have to make do.
Perhaps what I am listing out right now is the biggest stronghold of my life as well as the biggest challenge to date that has been with me ever since I left my first church. A life of nomads has followed me ever after. Many nights, I prayed to God to take me away from all these, I cried out for a friend to understand me but God always replied that I should first understand others.
Why do I choose such a lifestyle? What is it that allow me to continue to continue to serve despite all the sadness and disappointments that has filled my life ever since I came here?
The sacrifices I've seen Qianru made for me is one of them I suppose. Whenever I feel terrible, I'm reminded of how much sadness I have caused her and how she has forgiven me despite it all and it motivates me to learn from her. God who has been supporting me all these years have never given up on me either, even though I hurt him even more than anyone else even when I love him so much. Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up hurting the ones I love the most?
I really hate myself. It feels that I've really reached the end of the road. What good am I do anyone? I can't see any hope in my life anymore...
I've decided to call on a retreat for myself for a week. I know that somehow, all these thoughts are incorrect and it may be overly emotional for myself these few weeks. I want to find myself in God again, go back to the Father who clothes and feeds his servants. I will fast from all sort of entertainment that used to fill my life and live simply. Perhaps, God will hear my cry and change my heart and attitudes to one which he delights in. I pray that I may become a Qimin that I can accept for myself as well.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Hounded but not crushed
Recently I've been facing a fair amount of stress from my work but seriously can't find much motivation to get down to study. Feels like I've kinda adopted a live from day to day kinda attitude which I think isn't good. Alright need to wake up my idea. I find it interesting that Gerrard could change the games that we played the other day to something so creative. The normal 7up game that we used to play had been modified so that it is more fun and there was no need to think of penalties cos the penalties were already settled.
I also realized that when it comes to games, Wanru is really on about it and her quiet personality seems to change along with the intensity of the game. Perhaps this is the reason why we have games? To open up our reservations and have fun so that our hearts too are open to each other. That's why I feel real sorry for Justina. Haha, honestly I liked that game that she proposed, remembered that I used to play it when I was in hall camp during the time I was a freshmen. Gosh that was so long ago, I feel very old now. Anyway, the game was to sit in a circle and hit the person that have been called until he/she calls someone else. Too bad it got canceled, not that I didn't see that coming. Maybe next time when I am not with the church people, I'll really love to play that game again. The question I got to ask is, is conservativeness the reason why there are some barriers as to how we relate to each other. No matter how I see it, I just don't find myself having as much fun with church people as "outsiders". Not that I am someone who likes to play those SDU games but certainly I cherish more sincerity than spirituality with my friends. If I can choose, I'd really wish for more sincerity in my relationships with people in church. Just as I have taught my sheep, in relationships, we need to build personal relationships rather than group identity and unity. Honestly, our relationship with different people is different and unique. Unless we seek to build it, the group relationship can only carry us so far.
Well today's lesson is on Psalms 35:12-14.
12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.
13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,
14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.
I remembered when I was younger, I read about this story of Jesus. He said that you have to love your enemies and when you do, you pour hot coals on their heads those who hated you. He also said that if you love someone who loves you, does not the pagans do that too? Real love is about loving someone even though the person is horrible and caused you hurt and pain.
It seems easy when I read it. Ok all I need to do is just to extend my love to people who don't like me as well as those who love me. However, it was not that simple. Have you ever met people who scorn your love, who treat your love with suspicion and try to "outsmart" you by beating you at your game? Or how about those who trample your love on the floor by repaying your love for them with betrayal? I've seen a quite a number of them in my life and it really gets you down. In a way that you'd feel is it worth it to expend so much for this person when he or she clearly do not appreciate what you have done? I really found it impossible for a time being and everyday I had to pray to God to sustain me.
Does what I write reminds you of something? Yes it reminded me of God's love for me. How many times have I betrayed his love, treat his love for me with scorn by my disobedience, treat it with suspicions by questioning why I have to do this, why I have to do that when all God wanted to do was to bless me. Yet that is the love that God has shown in psalms 35. When his enemies was sick, he prayed for them and asked God to heal them. Can't say for the last verse cos Jesus' prayers are never unanswered but what about mine? I don't even pray for my enemies, and often found myself cursing them that they may fall into the pits they have dug for me.
My Prayer:
Lord, learning to love is much more difficult than I can ever imagine and I thank you for that. For you have shown me how much you have loved me despite the fact that I don't deserve it at all. I am very sorry for the times when I treated your love for me with contempt but I am also thankful that you did not deal with me as I had with my enemies. Oh Lord, help me to grow in this by allowing me not to treat your love in this manner anymore. I pray that the love you have shown me, the undying love that does not subside because of others betrayal but is sustained through your loving character which never gives up. Give me this love for my enemies Lord because I want to be like you. Amen.
I also realized that when it comes to games, Wanru is really on about it and her quiet personality seems to change along with the intensity of the game. Perhaps this is the reason why we have games? To open up our reservations and have fun so that our hearts too are open to each other. That's why I feel real sorry for Justina. Haha, honestly I liked that game that she proposed, remembered that I used to play it when I was in hall camp during the time I was a freshmen. Gosh that was so long ago, I feel very old now. Anyway, the game was to sit in a circle and hit the person that have been called until he/she calls someone else. Too bad it got canceled, not that I didn't see that coming. Maybe next time when I am not with the church people, I'll really love to play that game again. The question I got to ask is, is conservativeness the reason why there are some barriers as to how we relate to each other. No matter how I see it, I just don't find myself having as much fun with church people as "outsiders". Not that I am someone who likes to play those SDU games but certainly I cherish more sincerity than spirituality with my friends. If I can choose, I'd really wish for more sincerity in my relationships with people in church. Just as I have taught my sheep, in relationships, we need to build personal relationships rather than group identity and unity. Honestly, our relationship with different people is different and unique. Unless we seek to build it, the group relationship can only carry us so far.
Well today's lesson is on Psalms 35:12-14.
12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.
13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,
14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.
I remembered when I was younger, I read about this story of Jesus. He said that you have to love your enemies and when you do, you pour hot coals on their heads those who hated you. He also said that if you love someone who loves you, does not the pagans do that too? Real love is about loving someone even though the person is horrible and caused you hurt and pain.
It seems easy when I read it. Ok all I need to do is just to extend my love to people who don't like me as well as those who love me. However, it was not that simple. Have you ever met people who scorn your love, who treat your love with suspicion and try to "outsmart" you by beating you at your game? Or how about those who trample your love on the floor by repaying your love for them with betrayal? I've seen a quite a number of them in my life and it really gets you down. In a way that you'd feel is it worth it to expend so much for this person when he or she clearly do not appreciate what you have done? I really found it impossible for a time being and everyday I had to pray to God to sustain me.
Does what I write reminds you of something? Yes it reminded me of God's love for me. How many times have I betrayed his love, treat his love for me with scorn by my disobedience, treat it with suspicions by questioning why I have to do this, why I have to do that when all God wanted to do was to bless me. Yet that is the love that God has shown in psalms 35. When his enemies was sick, he prayed for them and asked God to heal them. Can't say for the last verse cos Jesus' prayers are never unanswered but what about mine? I don't even pray for my enemies, and often found myself cursing them that they may fall into the pits they have dug for me.
My Prayer:
Lord, learning to love is much more difficult than I can ever imagine and I thank you for that. For you have shown me how much you have loved me despite the fact that I don't deserve it at all. I am very sorry for the times when I treated your love for me with contempt but I am also thankful that you did not deal with me as I had with my enemies. Oh Lord, help me to grow in this by allowing me not to treat your love in this manner anymore. I pray that the love you have shown me, the undying love that does not subside because of others betrayal but is sustained through your loving character which never gives up. Give me this love for my enemies Lord because I want to be like you. Amen.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The vine and branches
Today is the 9th of September and a day which had me nearly screaming my head off due to stress and demanding professors. I know they mean well and I must say that they really do care for the students. Unfortunately, they ran into students like me who is starting to wonder if education is really all I have made it out to be. Sometimes I dont know if too much concern is such a good thing. While they took interest in what we are doing, all these constant monitoring has put me on the edge and really, I can do without some of it.
Anyway, I'm starting to write a blog now as I've read a lot of my friend's blogs and I just realized that there are benefits to it. Especially using this as a platform for me to share my quiet moments and struggles with anyone who is interested and also for me to blog about my walk with God. Hope my shepherd doesn't see this, haha, I'm afraid he might be too interested and start asking me lots of questions which I find it quite a hassle to answer. Like I said, sometimes I could really do without the monitoring. Isn't life already as stressful as it is even if it was done in complete love and care? I'd say I appreciate it but sometimes I like to be left alone to ponder. I guess when the time is ripe, God will point the flaws out to me.
John 15. Jesus said that I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. In verse 9 it says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." I realized from this few short verses, the word remain in me/my love appeared 11 times. What does remaining in Jesus means? In the same chapter, Jesus answered that remaining in him meant obeying his commands just as he has remained in God by obeying God's commands.
Sounds controlling doesn't it? But in actual fact, Jesus also pointed out that if you remain in him and his words remain in us, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. So that is not controlling but that Jesus wanted to give us good things. Through obedience to Jesus, we would gain much much more than we would ever lose. Not that we would lose anything except the opportunity to be selfish and wicked. That is something I can certainly do without. And what are Jesus commands? Love each other as I have loved you. Phew... that's quite a challenge for me but I want to obey. Not because I want things from God but because I just know that it is beautiful and loving others is so challenging. I want to do it because it is good and I know that I myself want to be loved by others too.
Indeed the greatest thing that I learned was from 13 to 15. Jesus has called me his friend. I know that I am willing to go any distance for a friend and I certainly do love every single one of them. Now God is saying that I am his friend. I am so happy now that all my unhappiness that I have felt this morning has gone away. I too want Jesus to be my friend and to do that, I shall obey him by learning to love people as he has loved me. How has he loved me? by becoming my friend! That means I should make friends of other brother and sisters as well as non believers so that we may all be friends forever:)
My Prayer:
Lord I thank you for guiding me through today. You have certainly given me much though I often perceived myself to be lacking but I have never been in want. I want to pray and ask of you to help me remain in your love through loving others. You know that I am very poor in this aspect as I do not know how to bring out my feelings and am often afraid that people would misunderstand me. But today I want to ask that I no longer look at my own capabilities but to look to you instead. That how you loved me despite my flaws should be how I love those you have put around me. Indeed, the people you have placed around me are not there to give me trouble but to allow me to share you love with them. Lord, please help me in this that I may seek and find your heart of loving people. I pray especially for the cutting off of my own ways of loving, I want not to love them by my own ability but with your love. I also want to pray for my father who is suffering from pains in his side. I pray that you would heal him because you love him too. You said that if I remain in your love, anything I ask in your name will be given to me. Help me oh Lord and keep your promises. I love you God.
Anyway, I'm starting to write a blog now as I've read a lot of my friend's blogs and I just realized that there are benefits to it. Especially using this as a platform for me to share my quiet moments and struggles with anyone who is interested and also for me to blog about my walk with God. Hope my shepherd doesn't see this, haha, I'm afraid he might be too interested and start asking me lots of questions which I find it quite a hassle to answer. Like I said, sometimes I could really do without the monitoring. Isn't life already as stressful as it is even if it was done in complete love and care? I'd say I appreciate it but sometimes I like to be left alone to ponder. I guess when the time is ripe, God will point the flaws out to me.
John 15. Jesus said that I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. In verse 9 it says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." I realized from this few short verses, the word remain in me/my love appeared 11 times. What does remaining in Jesus means? In the same chapter, Jesus answered that remaining in him meant obeying his commands just as he has remained in God by obeying God's commands.
Sounds controlling doesn't it? But in actual fact, Jesus also pointed out that if you remain in him and his words remain in us, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. So that is not controlling but that Jesus wanted to give us good things. Through obedience to Jesus, we would gain much much more than we would ever lose. Not that we would lose anything except the opportunity to be selfish and wicked. That is something I can certainly do without. And what are Jesus commands? Love each other as I have loved you. Phew... that's quite a challenge for me but I want to obey. Not because I want things from God but because I just know that it is beautiful and loving others is so challenging. I want to do it because it is good and I know that I myself want to be loved by others too.
Indeed the greatest thing that I learned was from 13 to 15. Jesus has called me his friend. I know that I am willing to go any distance for a friend and I certainly do love every single one of them. Now God is saying that I am his friend. I am so happy now that all my unhappiness that I have felt this morning has gone away. I too want Jesus to be my friend and to do that, I shall obey him by learning to love people as he has loved me. How has he loved me? by becoming my friend! That means I should make friends of other brother and sisters as well as non believers so that we may all be friends forever:)
My Prayer:
Lord I thank you for guiding me through today. You have certainly given me much though I often perceived myself to be lacking but I have never been in want. I want to pray and ask of you to help me remain in your love through loving others. You know that I am very poor in this aspect as I do not know how to bring out my feelings and am often afraid that people would misunderstand me. But today I want to ask that I no longer look at my own capabilities but to look to you instead. That how you loved me despite my flaws should be how I love those you have put around me. Indeed, the people you have placed around me are not there to give me trouble but to allow me to share you love with them. Lord, please help me in this that I may seek and find your heart of loving people. I pray especially for the cutting off of my own ways of loving, I want not to love them by my own ability but with your love. I also want to pray for my father who is suffering from pains in his side. I pray that you would heal him because you love him too. You said that if I remain in your love, anything I ask in your name will be given to me. Help me oh Lord and keep your promises. I love you God.
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