A time to start Anew

I realized something about in my life. Many things that I am unhappy about and unset about myself that I have not noticed before. It always seemed like no one would ever approach me to tell me his or her troubles. Does my appearance scares them or do I portray a sense of I'm holier than thou and thou shalt not approach me cos I do not care? I hate to think of myself like that because I do care but so often I feel that I can't portray that well enough for others to feel that I care.
Recently, I went to the water baptism for one of the brothers in my CG and during the entire event I was feeling pretty down. It has been quite awhile and I've been keeping this in my heart for very long but somehow I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. How many times have I changed church I have lost count but I never felt a sense belonging any place, wherever I go.
Reflecting back, the reason I stayed in this church came down to 2 reasons, 1. I wanted to grow in the Lord and Hope church was the perfect place where my faith was constantly challenged and I face so many difficulties in trying to adapt I don't know how I was able to stay on. The second reason was that God himself told me to stay here. Well if the boss says this is the place, I guess I'll have to make do.

Perhaps what I am listing out right now is the biggest stronghold of my life as well as the biggest challenge to date that has been with me ever since I left my first church. A life of nomads has followed me ever after. Many nights, I prayed to God to take me away from all these, I cried out for a friend to understand me but God always replied that I should first understand others.
Why do I choose such a lifestyle? What is it that allow me to continue to continue to serve despite all the sadness and disappointments that has filled my life ever since I came here?

The sacrifices I've seen Qianru made for me is one of them I suppose. Whenever I feel terrible, I'm reminded of how much sadness I have caused her and how she has forgiven me despite it all and it motivates me to learn from her. God who has been supporting me all these years have never given up on me either, even though I hurt him even more than anyone else even when I love him so much. Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up hurting the ones I love the most?

I really hate myself. It feels that I've really reached the end of the road. What good am I do anyone? I can't see any hope in my life anymore...

I've decided to call on a retreat for myself for a week. I know that somehow, all these thoughts are incorrect and it may be overly emotional for myself these few weeks. I want to find myself in God again, go back to the Father who clothes and feeds his servants. I will fast from all sort of entertainment that used to fill my life and live simply. Perhaps, God will hear my cry and change my heart and attitudes to one which he delights in. I pray that I may become a Qimin that I can accept for myself as well.