I really dont care who read this blog so I'm gonna use this opportunity to speak my mind as it is. Raw. Without censorship. A part of me I'm reluctant to let others see and probably will never share with anyone either.
Has anyone ever asked you, "have you seen a miracle before?" Well I dont know about you but when someone asked me that question in the past, I answered that the fact that I am living here today and being loved by God is a miracle in and of itself. I didn't understood how God could have loved someone as pathetic as me.
Today, I can confidently say that I have seen miracles. Yes, I am living in a miracle right now. That is because I have no way to explain why I haven't gone mad yet with all the work that school has thrown at me. It's ridiculous! To go day in and day out every single damned day with people throwing issues for me to handle. How does one handle such bull****? If it aint one thing it is another.
One thing I hate most is team mates who are unmotivated, lazy and stupid. Actually I'm alright with stupid people, they can be quite cute sometimes and I really adore their innocence but not when they think they are wise and not when it is coupled with laziness. God save those idiots from themselves! I must say though that when such fools change for the better, it really gives you hope and happiness when one of them decides to do something for a change or take initiatives. Then afterwards they'll fall back to the same pattern of being lazy again and it makes you feel like slapping them(to wake up their idea of course).
It seems that God is trying to teach me something by placing me in charge of teams with people like these, pushing my patience. Thank God I've enough practice in the past to know better to throw my temper though I guess I am still a bit reluctant to talk to them much about their lack of effort. Honestly, I think I still have lots to grow in terms of loving people like these who put me through hell without intention to do so.
But enough of such talk! I am determined to break out of this and grow despite the odds and the bitterness that I had harboured against them. I think that in order for one to be forgiven and given a new lease of life in Christ, the first thing one must do is to learn to forgive others as well. The fruits of forgiveness is bittersweet but still worth it as God provides the motivation to do so. Those who forgive are forgiven and will be set free. But it can be very hard when none of your members like that loafer and are encouraging you to do the same. I can't defend the loafer either cos there is nothing to defend in the first place. God help me overcome my weakness of blaming others and speaking behind people's back. I want to be a person who is what people see I am. I want to be an honest person, not afraid of authority but fearful of the Lord. Not one to harbour ill feelings but one to confront such feelings and to seek the righteousness of God in Love.
Help me O Lord, Help me in my studies that I may not be overwhelmed as you have been doing for so long. Amen.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
A solution given and some thoughts I don't want to forget
After reading through some news on the new paper, I've begun to appreciate life more. Life does not revolves around me as I use to think but life is an expression of thanksgiving for the grace that God gave. When I looked at my own shortcomings and focus on them, I became mired in these shortcomings and failed to see the good things that God has given me.
Surely not everything is supposed to turn out fine and well. Even when I pray to God to make everything good and perfect, I'm sure not everything will turn out the way I wanted it to. That is because, I realized that through hardships and suffering, God's power is shown and only when we decide to rely on God can we see his work in our lives.
A new revelations was given to me today as I start my fast from leisure and anything that would distract me from my walk with God.(inspired by JingYing) I've decided today that I will not allow anything to take away my time with God again or to do what is right. Yes indeed, in the Old testament, the Kings who wanted to follow God had to make the tough decisions of upsetting the public through destroying the Asherah poles and idols of Baal. These foreign Gods while no longer a threat to us, we have indulged in similar idol worship through our interest in drama shows, computer games, online pornography, work and studies and many others that has lulled us into a new sense of complacency in honoring our God through worship. I believe that God wants us to cut down these poles that vie with him for attention and occupies up our time that was supposed to be consecrated for him. How is another question altogether as these are not easy and has taken root in our lives. However, with their removal, we'd be liberated and God's work can be so much more effective and powerful without their influence.
I read today about Arsene Wenger refusing to leave Arsenal for Real Madrid even though Real Madrid was his childhood club. His commitment to the young players prevented him from doing so as he also cited that in Arsenal, people were patient with him. Giving him the much needed support to build a team from young players who play attractive football. Basically, people trusted him, gave him support when he was trying something that no one had tried before and stood around him when results were not coming in. Instead of threatening to sack him as all the other clubs have done when poor results happened, they continued their support and he eventually delivered the goods. So when they won, the sweet taste of victory was savored by everyone in the club.
Now the reason why I raised this up was because I felt that my CG is like my club. With Jingting as the manager who makes the decisions in how to lead the team. Of course our board of directors is God himself who decides what we are supposed to do. What we as part of the club needs to grow in giving support to the manager even when mistakes are made rather than be the first to weld the axe in wanting the manager's head to roll. This way, support will be appreciated if the advice we give is constructive and when we show our support through encouragement instead of mocking or challenging the decision made. That should allow us to savor the victory and brave the storms together as a team and I think that is what my team needs right now. What I need right now as well. I pray that God will make us into such a team that supports each other and never one to put another person down even if the person is wrong.
When you care about others, your own problems will be taken cared of my God
-Rick Seaward
Surely not everything is supposed to turn out fine and well. Even when I pray to God to make everything good and perfect, I'm sure not everything will turn out the way I wanted it to. That is because, I realized that through hardships and suffering, God's power is shown and only when we decide to rely on God can we see his work in our lives.
A new revelations was given to me today as I start my fast from leisure and anything that would distract me from my walk with God.(inspired by JingYing) I've decided today that I will not allow anything to take away my time with God again or to do what is right. Yes indeed, in the Old testament, the Kings who wanted to follow God had to make the tough decisions of upsetting the public through destroying the Asherah poles and idols of Baal. These foreign Gods while no longer a threat to us, we have indulged in similar idol worship through our interest in drama shows, computer games, online pornography, work and studies and many others that has lulled us into a new sense of complacency in honoring our God through worship. I believe that God wants us to cut down these poles that vie with him for attention and occupies up our time that was supposed to be consecrated for him. How is another question altogether as these are not easy and has taken root in our lives. However, with their removal, we'd be liberated and God's work can be so much more effective and powerful without their influence.
I read today about Arsene Wenger refusing to leave Arsenal for Real Madrid even though Real Madrid was his childhood club. His commitment to the young players prevented him from doing so as he also cited that in Arsenal, people were patient with him. Giving him the much needed support to build a team from young players who play attractive football. Basically, people trusted him, gave him support when he was trying something that no one had tried before and stood around him when results were not coming in. Instead of threatening to sack him as all the other clubs have done when poor results happened, they continued their support and he eventually delivered the goods. So when they won, the sweet taste of victory was savored by everyone in the club.
Now the reason why I raised this up was because I felt that my CG is like my club. With Jingting as the manager who makes the decisions in how to lead the team. Of course our board of directors is God himself who decides what we are supposed to do. What we as part of the club needs to grow in giving support to the manager even when mistakes are made rather than be the first to weld the axe in wanting the manager's head to roll. This way, support will be appreciated if the advice we give is constructive and when we show our support through encouragement instead of mocking or challenging the decision made. That should allow us to savor the victory and brave the storms together as a team and I think that is what my team needs right now. What I need right now as well. I pray that God will make us into such a team that supports each other and never one to put another person down even if the person is wrong.
When you care about others, your own problems will be taken cared of my God
-Rick Seaward
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A time to start Anew
I realized something about in my life. Many things that I am unhappy about and unset about myself that I have not noticed before. It always seemed like no one would ever approach me to tell me his or her troubles. Does my appearance scares them or do I portray a sense of I'm holier than thou and thou shalt not approach me cos I do not care? I hate to think of myself like that because I do care but so often I feel that I can't portray that well enough for others to feel that I care.
Recently, I went to the water baptism for one of the brothers in my CG and during the entire event I was feeling pretty down. It has been quite awhile and I've been keeping this in my heart for very long but somehow I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. How many times have I changed church I have lost count but I never felt a sense belonging any place, wherever I go.
Reflecting back, the reason I stayed in this church came down to 2 reasons, 1. I wanted to grow in the Lord and Hope church was the perfect place where my faith was constantly challenged and I face so many difficulties in trying to adapt I don't know how I was able to stay on. The second reason was that God himself told me to stay here. Well if the boss says this is the place, I guess I'll have to make do.
Perhaps what I am listing out right now is the biggest stronghold of my life as well as the biggest challenge to date that has been with me ever since I left my first church. A life of nomads has followed me ever after. Many nights, I prayed to God to take me away from all these, I cried out for a friend to understand me but God always replied that I should first understand others.
Why do I choose such a lifestyle? What is it that allow me to continue to continue to serve despite all the sadness and disappointments that has filled my life ever since I came here?
The sacrifices I've seen Qianru made for me is one of them I suppose. Whenever I feel terrible, I'm reminded of how much sadness I have caused her and how she has forgiven me despite it all and it motivates me to learn from her. God who has been supporting me all these years have never given up on me either, even though I hurt him even more than anyone else even when I love him so much. Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up hurting the ones I love the most?
I really hate myself. It feels that I've really reached the end of the road. What good am I do anyone? I can't see any hope in my life anymore...
I've decided to call on a retreat for myself for a week. I know that somehow, all these thoughts are incorrect and it may be overly emotional for myself these few weeks. I want to find myself in God again, go back to the Father who clothes and feeds his servants. I will fast from all sort of entertainment that used to fill my life and live simply. Perhaps, God will hear my cry and change my heart and attitudes to one which he delights in. I pray that I may become a Qimin that I can accept for myself as well.
Recently, I went to the water baptism for one of the brothers in my CG and during the entire event I was feeling pretty down. It has been quite awhile and I've been keeping this in my heart for very long but somehow I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. How many times have I changed church I have lost count but I never felt a sense belonging any place, wherever I go.
Reflecting back, the reason I stayed in this church came down to 2 reasons, 1. I wanted to grow in the Lord and Hope church was the perfect place where my faith was constantly challenged and I face so many difficulties in trying to adapt I don't know how I was able to stay on. The second reason was that God himself told me to stay here. Well if the boss says this is the place, I guess I'll have to make do.
Perhaps what I am listing out right now is the biggest stronghold of my life as well as the biggest challenge to date that has been with me ever since I left my first church. A life of nomads has followed me ever after. Many nights, I prayed to God to take me away from all these, I cried out for a friend to understand me but God always replied that I should first understand others.
Why do I choose such a lifestyle? What is it that allow me to continue to continue to serve despite all the sadness and disappointments that has filled my life ever since I came here?
The sacrifices I've seen Qianru made for me is one of them I suppose. Whenever I feel terrible, I'm reminded of how much sadness I have caused her and how she has forgiven me despite it all and it motivates me to learn from her. God who has been supporting me all these years have never given up on me either, even though I hurt him even more than anyone else even when I love him so much. Why is life so unfair? Why do I always end up hurting the ones I love the most?
I really hate myself. It feels that I've really reached the end of the road. What good am I do anyone? I can't see any hope in my life anymore...
I've decided to call on a retreat for myself for a week. I know that somehow, all these thoughts are incorrect and it may be overly emotional for myself these few weeks. I want to find myself in God again, go back to the Father who clothes and feeds his servants. I will fast from all sort of entertainment that used to fill my life and live simply. Perhaps, God will hear my cry and change my heart and attitudes to one which he delights in. I pray that I may become a Qimin that I can accept for myself as well.
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