Hounded but not crushed

Recently I've been facing a fair amount of stress from my work but seriously can't find much motivation to get down to study. Feels like I've kinda adopted a live from day to day kinda attitude which I think isn't good. Alright need to wake up my idea. I find it interesting that Gerrard could change the games that we played the other day to something so creative. The normal 7up game that we used to play had been modified so that it is more fun and there was no need to think of penalties cos the penalties were already settled.
I also realized that when it comes to games, Wanru is really on about it and her quiet personality seems to change along with the intensity of the game. Perhaps this is the reason why we have games? To open up our reservations and have fun so that our hearts too are open to each other. That's why I feel real sorry for Justina. Haha, honestly I liked that game that she proposed, remembered that I used to play it when I was in hall camp during the time I was a freshmen. Gosh that was so long ago, I feel very old now. Anyway, the game was to sit in a circle and hit the person that have been called until he/she calls someone else. Too bad it got canceled, not that I didn't see that coming. Maybe next time when I am not with the church people, I'll really love to play that game again. The question I got to ask is, is conservativeness the reason why there are some barriers as to how we relate to each other. No matter how I see it, I just don't find myself having as much fun with church people as "outsiders". Not that I am someone who likes to play those SDU games but certainly I cherish more sincerity than spirituality with my friends. If I can choose, I'd really wish for more sincerity in my relationships with people in church. Just as I have taught my sheep, in relationships, we need to build personal relationships rather than group identity and unity. Honestly, our relationship with different people is different and unique. Unless we seek to build it, the group relationship can only carry us so far.

Well today's lesson is on Psalms 35:12-14.
12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.
I remembered when I was younger, I read about this story of Jesus. He said that you have to love your enemies and when you do, you pour hot coals on their heads those who hated you. He also said that if you love someone who loves you, does not the pagans do that too? Real love is about loving someone even though the person is horrible and caused you hurt and pain.

It seems easy when I read it. Ok all I need to do is just to extend my love to people who don't like me as well as those who love me. However, it was not that simple. Have you ever met people who scorn your love, who treat your love with suspicion and try to "outsmart" you by beating you at your game? Or how about those who trample your love on the floor by repaying your love for them with betrayal? I've seen a quite a number of them in my life and it really gets you down. In a way that you'd feel is it worth it to expend so much for this person when he or she clearly do not appreciate what you have done? I really found it impossible for a time being and everyday I had to pray to God to sustain me.
Does what I write reminds you of something? Yes it reminded me of God's love for me. How many times have I betrayed his love, treat his love for me with scorn by my disobedience, treat it with suspicions by questioning why I have to do this, why I have to do that when all God wanted to do was to bless me. Yet that is the love that God has shown in psalms 35. When his enemies was sick, he prayed for them and asked God to heal them. Can't say for the last verse cos Jesus' prayers are never unanswered but what about mine? I don't even pray for my enemies, and often found myself cursing them that they may fall into the pits they have dug for me.

My Prayer:
Lord, learning to love is much more difficult than I can ever imagine and I thank you for that. For you have shown me how much you have loved me despite the fact that I don't deserve it at all. I am very sorry for the times when I treated your love for me with contempt but I am also thankful that you did not deal with me as I had with my enemies. Oh Lord, help me to grow in this by allowing me not to treat your love in this manner anymore. I pray that the love you have shown me, the undying love that does not subside because of others betrayal but is sustained through your loving character which never gives up. Give me this love for my enemies Lord because I want to be like you. Amen.

The vine and branches

Today is the 9th of September and a day which had me nearly screaming my head off due to stress and demanding professors. I know they mean well and I must say that they really do care for the students. Unfortunately, they ran into students like me who is starting to wonder if education is really all I have made it out to be. Sometimes I dont know if too much concern is such a good thing. While they took interest in what we are doing, all these constant monitoring has put me on the edge and really, I can do without some of it.

Anyway, I'm starting to write a blog now as I've read a lot of my friend's blogs and I just realized that there are benefits to it. Especially using this as a platform for me to share my quiet moments and struggles with anyone who is interested and also for me to blog about my walk with God. Hope my shepherd doesn't see this, haha, I'm afraid he might be too interested and start asking me lots of questions which I find it quite a hassle to answer. Like I said, sometimes I could really do without the monitoring. Isn't life already as stressful as it is even if it was done in complete love and care? I'd say I appreciate it but sometimes I like to be left alone to ponder. I guess when the time is ripe, God will point the flaws out to me.

John 15. Jesus said that I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. In verse 9 it says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." I realized from this few short verses, the word remain in me/my love appeared 11 times. What does remaining in Jesus means? In the same chapter, Jesus answered that remaining in him meant obeying his commands just as he has remained in God by obeying God's commands.

Sounds controlling doesn't it? But in actual fact, Jesus also pointed out that if you remain in him and his words remain in us, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. So that is not controlling but that Jesus wanted to give us good things. Through obedience to Jesus, we would gain much much more than we would ever lose. Not that we would lose anything except the opportunity to be selfish and wicked. That is something I can certainly do without. And what are Jesus commands? Love each other as I have loved you. Phew... that's quite a challenge for me but I want to obey. Not because I want things from God but because I just know that it is beautiful and loving others is so challenging. I want to do it because it is good and I know that I myself want to be loved by others too.

Indeed the greatest thing that I learned was from 13 to 15. Jesus has called me his friend. I know that I am willing to go any distance for a friend and I certainly do love every single one of them. Now God is saying that I am his friend. I am so happy now that all my unhappiness that I have felt this morning has gone away. I too want Jesus to be my friend and to do that, I shall obey him by learning to love people as he has loved me. How has he loved me? by becoming my friend! That means I should make friends of other brother and sisters as well as non believers so that we may all be friends forever:)

My Prayer:

Lord I thank you for guiding me through today. You have certainly given me much though I often perceived myself to be lacking but I have never been in want. I want to pray and ask of you to help me remain in your love through loving others. You know that I am very poor in this aspect as I do not know how to bring out my feelings and am often afraid that people would misunderstand me. But today I want to ask that I no longer look at my own capabilities but to look to you instead. That how you loved me despite my flaws should be how I love those you have put around me. Indeed, the people you have placed around me are not there to give me trouble but to allow me to share you love with them. Lord, please help me in this that I may seek and find your heart of loving people. I pray especially for the cutting off of my own ways of loving, I want not to love them by my own ability but with your love. I also want to pray for my father who is suffering from pains in his side. I pray that you would heal him because you love him too. You said that if I remain in your love, anything I ask in your name will be given to me. Help me oh Lord and keep your promises. I love you God.