Learning to be obedient. Is so tough!

Today I had a follow up with one of my sheep. Everything went well until the end and as usual we'd have evaluation. I'm really starting to dread it to a certain extent. While I knew it was essential to go through what happened and to learn from my mistakes, it was never one I liked. Especially today's.

I learned a lot about how I should allow the person to speak more and to teach less. More importantly, I should seek to fulfill the needs of the sheep rather than focus on my own agenda. In the end, we want the sheep to benefit, and to be blessed. Not to be burdened or weighed down through judgement or condemnation.

Indeed, I find myself quick to condemn many times. Though I condemn only the sin itself and not the sinner. However, it often comes across to others that I am harsh and unforgiving. It's really sad, cos I do not exclude myself from my judgement but I said it only as a matter of fact. That if we disobey God, we'd be in trouble. And that if we seek to satisfy ourselves, we'd only be waste. Would anything that we do for ourselves count in God's eyes?

But I realised also one more thing, it is that different people have different levels of understanding. Just as Paul said to the Corinthians, you are but children, so I gave you spiritual milk but not solid food. The truth may be kept in my heart but if I told it to people who do not understand, it would be useless. In fact, it would be trampled and would only end up hurting me. Thanks to Ying jie for pointing it out to me today. That was really the support I needed for a very long time, something I hope to be able to emulate as well.

So I learnt many important lessons today about my style and I thank Brenda for being frank with me to want to risk the relationship by telling me these things that would serve to make me a better person. Sadly, today's evaluation also made me very discouraged. Was there nothing that I did was of value? Was there nothing that I did right? Evaluation became just criticism, though constructive, still criticism. After evaluation, I just felt so lousy about myself, so useless.
I know as Christians, I should not look to be appreciated, or to be understood for the matter. I don't. But it would be such a blessing to me if someone did. And God sent YingJie! Thank God for God. If not I would really be feeling extremely terrible tonight.

I'm going to persevere on. No matter how difficult it gets, I'll push on, bend myself backwards if I have to but not compromising on my values. Oh no... you gotta kill me to make me do that. But I certainly want to do it God's way and not my way. I'll need to add in love as well to the things that I do.

Pray for me.